TL;DR: Just use “they”/”their”/”them”/”themself” to refer to single people. It’s inaccurate, but safe.
No one likes being misgendered. Unless he or she does, in fact, like being misgendered, and then that’s his or her business and you should leave him or her to his or her own devices. Let him or her figure those kinds of things out for himself or herself. Or should that be “for him or herself”? Or “for him/herself?” And what about non-binary people?
Yowza.
In terms of word soup, inclusive gendered pronouns never fail to fill you up before the main course and usually leave a bad taste in your mouth. (Did I really just pen that mixed metaphor? Double yowza. This a blog post, though, so it’s not getting edited out.)
It might sound like a trifling matter, but it’s a really serious for some people. It’s not about grammar, either. It’s not even about politics or social constructions. It’s about identity and is, ultimately, a human rights issue. Here’s a general guide to the topic.
Speaking of considering other people’s point of view, let’s consider the ESL student. …
Do you see how the joke works? Please note it’s the focus, exaggeration, and context that create the humor. The joke is not at anyone’s expense. It’s about the struggle of students facing a messy situation that isn’t adequately addressed by traditional proscriptive rules.
As a language learner, memorizing this litany might not be the wisest use of your time. These are special cases. Still, if there’s someone in your life who requests this treatment, it would be cruel to deny them. I suggest adding these to your vocabulary on a case-by-case basis. Here’s one of many resources.
Perhaps not-so ironically, this only comes up with individuals. The only gendered pronouns in English are third person singular – i.e. “he/she/it.” You’ve got several options. You can …
-Employ the suite of “he or she”/“his or her”/“him or her”/“himself or herself.” It’s polite and common in writing, but tends to murk up the message. It also ignores nonbinary pronouns, which is problematic.
-Adopt the typographically lean “s/he” or “(s)he.” How do you read those aloud, you might ask? Beats me. What are the possessives, indirect objects, and reflexive forms? No clue. Is it nonbinary inclusive? Nope.
-Stick to the old school “he”/“his”/“him”/“himself” for general cases. To play devil’s advocate, there are plenty of languages more heavily gendered than English in which this default, general “male” case often fits the bill. (True story: In many Latin-derived languages, when gendering a group consisting of 9,999 women and one man, the appropriate “they” is masculine.)
-Force “she”/“her”/“her”/“herself” to tip the scales for Feminism. You know, replicating the problem. In reverse. To even the score. I’m pretty sure there’s a semi-religious saying about that.
–Turn around the words to “she or he”/“her or his”/“her or him.”/”herself or himself.” Fair play as a punitive measure. See above. Also, still no nonbinary inclusion.
-Try “it”/“its”/“it”/“itself.” This works pretty well, actually. But you’ll sound like a psychopath.
-Rewrite everything to use “you” and/or “one” to appeal to a general case. This also works pretty well. In small doses it’s innocuous enough. However, heavy usage blurs into pretension and borderline mansplaining. You know, like the movie/meme factory …
Here’s the thing, as an English teacher I’m not supposed to tell you the real-world solution. You know, because it’s not … ahem … grammatically correct.
Okay, if you’ve read this far, you’ve earned a glimpse of the honest truth — and the approach I actually use until someone asks for special treatment:
-Use “them”/“their”/“them”/“themself.”
Yeah, that’s a plural construction for a singular subject or object.
Cue one of many ESL comedians. …
True enough.
Still, this “they” approach is much clearer than the aforementioned solutions. It’s also pretty widespread. And, like most good solutions, it leaves everyone vaguely unsatisfied. The only people it really irks are grammar Nazis, who, I suspect, secretly enjoy a good irking.
Personally, just my two cents, no clowning around, I’d identify as “IT” if I could afford the makeup and props.