There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to learn about the birds and the bees. And also the mice. I’m not talking about The Sex Talk. I’m talking about The -S Talk, i.e. plurals in English.
A quick review:
1. For most words, just add S. (Example: John ate a candy bar. Then John ate five more candy bars. Having thoroughly vetted the candy in his son’s trick-or-treat bag for razors or other hazards, he yielded the remaining treats to his son.)
2. For words that end in -s, -ss, -sh, -ch, -x, or -z, add -es. (Example: All the foxes in dresses carrying dishes ran through a variety of grasses, ducked under branches, and jumped over the the benches and ditches on their way to the addresses of multiple beaches. Little did they know they were the fever dream of a senile English teacher.)
2.5. Wait! For some words that end in -z or -s, double the -z or -s and add -es. (Example: Spelling quizzes are easier after inhaling certain gasses commonly used in dentistry.)
3. For words that end in -y, change the -y to an -i and add -es. (Example: Ladies who eat cherries have long been liabilities for ultra-conservative societies in which such activities are considered suggestive by repressed morons with fruit allergies.)
3.5 Wait! If there’s a vowel before the -y, you can just add -s. (Example: Monkeys and cowboys will play with old toys for days on end in areas with limited internet access.)
4. For words that end in -o, add -s. (Example: Despite the innuendos playing over people’s radios, hippos are not generally recognized as sensitive lovers.)
4.5. Wait! If there’s a consonant before the -o, add -es. Usually. (Example: Not all heroes wear capes. And not all heroes are fast enough to save people from falling pianos.)
5. For words that end in -f or -fe, change the -f or -fe to a -z and add -es. Mostly. (Example: The wives of the chefs were sharpening their knives by the cliffs when the wolves in fezzes pounced.)
Plus there are rules for stuffy words from foreign languages like Latin and Greek, like bases, radii, syllabi, etc.
Plus there all those pesky irregular plurals that no one enjoys, like people, men, women, children, feet, teeth, mice, dice, data, geese, oxen, etc. (Well, some people like feet.)
Plus there are words — mostly for ungulates that live in herds — whose singular and plural forms are (in most instances) the same, like fish, deer, sheep, moose, elk, reindeer, etc.
As you can see, it’s fairly complicated and, honestly, not the most fun or funniest topic. There are lots of resources out there explaining this, but they all kinda suck. They use the same examples and don’t really go into why. And you just read another post like that. We’re both in the same boat.
But plurals are important. Because, um, uh, err … being singular is notoriously difficult.
1 thought on “Of mice and people”